my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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