there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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