oh god the rape fog is back!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
