I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
