happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
