I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
