omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
