I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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