i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
