He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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