Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
