Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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