i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
