My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
