Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
