I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
