True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
