he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
did i just pee glitter
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
