I am midnight drunk by noon
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
