Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
