hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
