Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
