You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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