Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
