my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
