The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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