So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
