please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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