I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
