last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
