...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
