I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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