Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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