Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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