he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
