at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
