I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
