Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
