We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
