I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
