What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
