Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
