Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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