I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
