It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
