Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
