did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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