I think im going to throw up on grandma
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
