seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
