I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
