Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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